-LRB- CNN -RRB- -- Mother 's Day is a sad occasion for many , but not all of the 15 million U.S. stepmothers who have stepchildren under the age of 18 .

As it approaches , I am reminded how disappointed and hurt I used to be when my stepdaughter did n't acknowledge me on this day . From the time I married my husband when my stepdaughter was only 4 years old , I always felt she viewed me as his wife rather than as a stepmother .

This distinction may be acceptable to women who marry men with older children , but it bothered me because for years I spent every other weekend playing with her , cooking for her , and doing every other activity of a maternal caregiver . I really tried to develop a close relationship with but never felt I succeeded .

Being ignored is minor compared to the hostility and emotional abuse many other stepmothers experience , but my sense of failure grew each time I tried to grow closer to my stepdaughter and was rebuffed .

My husband inadvertently compounded my discomfort each Mother 's Day by asking me what kind of gift I wanted .

His gesture of kindness felt like he was offering me a present for failing a class , which increased my feelings of shame rather than joy . Also , I hate pretense , and I felt that he was pressuring me to accept his view of our happy family unit .

He was unwilling to acknowledge my perception that my relationship with my stepdaughter was friendly yet superficial , and just not as intimate as I expected it to be given the time we spent together . I felt he valued his feelings more than mine , and I became angry that my feelings were n't given equal standing to his .

Being wished a Happy Mother 's Day by my parents and friends also felt bad . How could I sincerely accept their considerate remarks when my stepdaughter did n't recognize or appreciate my efforts in this capacity ? I felt fraudulent as a stepmother .

Thankfully , my feelings have changed and , now I am in a better place where I accept and understand why my stepdaughter will not reach out to me on Mother 's Day . I just wish other stepmothers would n't have to go through similar or far worse emotional distress .

If stepmothers were n't so unhappy , the divorce rate for second marriages , as high as 60 % to 75 % , might be reduced . Let me share my journey with you .

When I first became a stepmother , I was surprised to find it to be so difficult because my stepdaughter has always been well-behaved , smart and respectful . No matter how hard I tried to get close to her , I felt like a distant relative .

I wondered if my experience was unique or similar to other stepmothers so I started a website -LRB- stepsforstepmothers.com -RRB- which featured an online chat room and a questionnaire for stepmothers to fill out .

Almost instantaneously , a vibrant community of stepmothers formed that gave each other encouragement and advice during difficult times . In less than two years from the inception of the website , more than 3,000 women answered my questionnaire sharing the challenges they faced .

At the same time , I also began a monthly stepmother support group comprised of a handful of women who could fit into my small office .

From these three venues , I gained a lot of information about the specific problems stepmothers encounter . More important , I received the necessary support from women sharing similar experiences . This helped me overcome my feelings of inadequacy and isolation .

Being understood by others is so important . Without a doubt , knowing that I was n't alone , that there were other stepmothers struggling to find their rightful place in their new families just like me , was the best medicine to heal my pain .

While these women could n't -LRB- and should n't -RRB- have solved my specific problems , they validated my feelings . While my family and friends cared that I was unhappy , they did n't truly understand what was bothering me .

These other stepmothers intuitively knew how I felt , and this made me feel much better even though my situation did not actually change .

These women also helped me understand that my desire to be acknowledged by my stepdaughter on Mother 's Day was not unreasonable , but it might be too much for her to give me . They helped me understand the dilemma that many stepchildren face on Mother 's Day .

Their loyalties may lie with their mother , and they believe she will be offended if they acknowledge their stepmother . I respect my stepdaughter 's love for her mother , and never want her to feel any loyalty binds .

So , I worked on developing a thicker skin to shield myself from being hurt .

After doing some research , I also learned that only 20 % of stepchildren feel close to their stepmothers . As much as I want a close , loving relationship with my stepdaughter or anyone else for that matter , I realized I ca n't force anyone to love or even like me .

My stepdaughter is entitled to select the people she wants in her intimate circle of family and friends . What I can do is appreciate those people in my life who want to be close to me and nurture these relationships .

By shifting my focus to the positives rather than the negatives in my life , I am now more content .

While my husband used to encourage my stepdaughter to wish me a Happy Mother 's Day , she is an adult , and he ca n't control her actions . Both he and I worked hard to accept the fact that most stepfamilies are not perfect , and ours may never be .

`` It is what it is , '' and accepting this reality relieved a lot of wear and tear on my brain as well as his . I used to believe that I must always persevere until my goals were accomplished even if they were insurmountable .

What a relief to know that I can be happy even if every aspect of my life is n't perfect .

This year I am looking forward to celebrating Mother 's Day with my mother and will try to make it as special for her as possible . I have learned that when I focus my energy on her , I feel good .

This works for a lot of other stepmothers who choose to spend the holiday with their mothers or with women for whom they deeply care . Many also treat themselves to a massage , lunch with friends or flowers on this day .

By choosing to do positive activities on Mother 's Day , we take responsibility for our happiness .

I hope my experiences can help other stepmothers have a more enjoyable Mother 's Day .

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Mother 's Day can be a struggle for stepmothers and their stepchildren

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Author : `` No matter how hard I tried to get close to her , I felt like a distant relative ''

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Only 20 % of stepchildren feel close to their stepmothers

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Author started stepsforstepmothers.com to help other stepmothers talk out their issues